SARGE: What I Heard Obama Say
(A more realistic transcript interpretation of Beaurat Obama’s Inauguration Speech)
Vice President Biden, Mr. Chief Justice, Members of the United States Congress, distinguished guests and all you other people choking on my inauguration:
Each time we gather to immortalize and deify me we bear witness to the shredding of our Constitution. We subvert the promise of democracy. We recall what binds this nation together is not the fact I’m confused in my birthright but that I’m confusing you as to yours. What will make us exceptional as Americans – is your allegiance to any cockamamie idea I declare has merit.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.”
Today we continue a never-ending journey, to twist the meaning of those words with the realities of my ideological agenda. History tells us while these truths may be self-evident, they have never been self-executing; that while freedom is a gift from God, it can be wrested from people here on Earth. The patriots of 1776 did not fight to replace the tyranny of a king, they set in motion the chance a poor intellectually challenged person such as I could lie, cheat and bamboozle my way to the highest elected office in the land. They gave to us a Republic, a government of, and by, and for the people originally, but steadily being subverted by yahoos like me.
Through blood drawn by lash and blood drawn by well-chosen words, we learned no union founded on the principles of liberty and equality could survive under my influence.
Together, we determined a modern economy requires railroads and highways to speed travel and commerce must be regulated to death by government; schools and colleges should be fiscally out of reach of the common workers.
Together, we discovered a free market dies when there are rules to ensure competition and fair play are legislated and enforced by fascist governmental agencies. But, enough about the IRS. Together, we resolved that a great nation must care for the vulnerable, and protect its people from themselves.
We relinquished our skepticism of central authority, we succumbed to the fiction that all society’s ills can be cured through government alone. Our celebration of initiative and enterprise; our insistence on hard work and personal responsibility, have been replaced by never-ending unemployment numbers above 7.8%; and rewarding any and all willing to milk the system dry.
We’ve always understood with time we can force fundamental changes. Fidelity to Marx’s principles requires hackneyed responses to new challenges. Ultimately collective action is required to displace individual freedoms. The American people can no more meet the demands of today’s world by acting alone than American soldiers could have met the forces of fascism or communism with muskets and militias; though we will test this theory with across the board Defense cuts. Now, more than ever, we must do these things together, as one Progressive Socialist nation, and one Marxist people.
Americans are tested by crises stealing our resolve and taxing our resilience. America’s possibilities are being limited for we possess all the qualities that this world without boundaries demands and we should supply them with: youth, drive, diversity, openness and endless risk-taking with American’s taxes.
We understand our country cannot succeed when we remove a few people’s shrinking profits and give those profits to a growing many barely make it. We believe America’s prosperity must be wrest from the broad shoulders of a rising middle class. We know America thrives when every person sacrifices their independence and pride in their work; when increasing taxes on honest labor crowd families past the brink of hardship. We’re true to our creed when a little girl knows that if she’s not been aborted, she has the same chance to succeed as anybody else as long as she keeps dodging bullets in her gun-controlled neighborhood.
We understand outworn programs are inadequate to the needs of our time. We must remake our government, ignore an over-bearing, indecipherable tax code, demolish more reform schools, and empower citizens with the skills in completing welfare and food stamp paperwork already harder to complete than it need be. The middle class must work harder, pay more, and pray to their higher power ‘cause help ain’t coming from the Left. While the means will change, our Socialist dream endures: a nation rewarding the indifference to personal effort and determination of every single American. That’s what this moment requires. That’s what will give real meaning to my creed.
We, the people, still believe every citizen deserves to feel insecure and undignified. We must suffer the hard choices to reduce health care and the increase the size of our deficit. We reject that Americans must care for the generation built this country. We must invest in the generation that will build our Corporatist future. We remember the lessons of our past, when twilight years were spent in poverty, and parents of a child with a disability had nowhere to turn. We endorse this. We believe in this country, freedom is reserved for the lucky, or happiness for the few seeing it my way. We recognize that no matter how responsibly we live our lives, any one of us, at any time, may face a job loss, or a sudden illness, or a home swept away in a terrible storm. We recognize government will promise much and deliver little in their times of jeopardy. The commitments we make to each other – through Medicare, and Medicaid, and Social Security – these things don’t sap our initiative; but ignoring them strengthens me and my people. They make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great like: Solyndra, Evergreen Solar and Johnson Controls.
We believe that our obligations are just to ourselves, and not your posterity. We will respond to the threat of climate change, because Al Gore says he needs more money. His hot air can cause the devastating impact of raging fires, and crippling drought, and more powerful storms. The path towards sustainable energy sources will be long and difficult. But Americans who resist this transition will be vilified and demonized. We cannot cede the technology that will power new jobs and new industries – we must promote outsourcing as much as possible. That’s how we’ll promote economic sterility.
We still believe enduring security and lasting peace don’t require warriors. Our brave men and women in uniform know too well the price that’s paid for liberty. The knowledge of their sacrifice will keep us forever vigilant against those who would arm them properly. We’re heirs to those who won the peace and not the war against internal enemies of that outdated and flawed Constitution some still hold dear.
We will defend our people somehow after using the rule of law to disarm our citizens. We’ll show the courage to resolve our differences with other nations peacefully – not because we’re naïve about the dangers we face, (we are) but because we fear we’ll be thought badly of. America will renew those institutions that extend our capacity to mismanage crisis abroad. We’ll support democracy from Asia to Africa; from the Americas to the Middle East, unless it runs contrary to Sharia Law. Our interests and our conscience compel us to act on behalf of those who long for freedom by not interfering in those countries’ internal affairs. And we must be a source of hope to the poor, the sick, the marginalized, the victims of prejudice – not out of mere charity, but because it makes my administration look good.
We, declare today that the most evident of truths – that all of us politicians are created equal – is the star guiding politicians still.
It’s now our generation’s task to carry on what those Marxist pioneers began. Our journey is not complete until our wives, our mothers, and daughters can earn as little as men do. Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are abused like everyone else under the law. Our journey is not complete until no citizen, no matter what country they are a citizen of, is forced to wait for hours to exercise the right to vote in America. Our journey is not complete until we find a better way to welcome and grant unlimited amnesty and access to Democratic Party Voter Rolls, the striving, hopeful immigrants who still see America as a land of opportunity; until undocumented, bright young students and engineers are enlisted in our workforce displacing native born citizens of a chance to get a slice of the pie I’m giving illegal immigrants, rather than expelling them from our country.
That’s our generation’s task – to make these words, these rights, these values – of Life, and Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness – real for every undocumented alien to enter America. Being true to our founding documents does not require us to agree on every contour of life; we’ve proven we can bypass anything by Executive Order; it mean we’ll all define liberty in exactly the same revisionist and revolutionary way. Progress doesn’t compel us to settle centuries-long debates about the role of government for all time – but it does require us to act in our self-interest at all times.
We cannot mistake governmental absolutism for principle, or substitute spectacle for politics, or treat name-calling as reasoned debate. We must act as I alone command, knowing that our work and I will be perfect. We must act, knowing today’s victories will be up to those who stand here in four years, and forty years, and four hundred years hence to advance the timeless spirit once conferred to us in a spare Philadelphia hall and in the European Parlors Marx and Engels prognosticated, bloviated and pontificated within.
My fellow Americans, the oath I have sworn before you today, like the one recited by others who serve in this Capitol, was an oath to party, faction and empty ideology– and we must faithfully execute that pledge during the duration of our service. The words I spoke today are so different from the oath taken each time a soldier signs up for duty. My oath is so different from the pledge we all make to the flag that waves above and that fills our hearts with pride.
They are the words represent my greatest hope. I have the power to set this country’s course.
I have the obligation to shape the debates of our time – not with the votes you cast, but with the voices we lift in controversy to our most ancient values and enduring ideals. Let each of us now embrace, with solemn duty and awesome joy, what is our lasting birthright. With common effort and common purpose, with passion and dedication, let us deny the call of history, and carry into an uncertain future my precious hope for the Unified Socialist States of America.
Thank you, God Bless you, and may He forever bless me and my ideals more than yours.
Thanks for listening.