How Do You Make New Orleans Fun Again? By #Scurlocking, That’s How

All y’all who live in Orleans Parish and aren’t gonna vote Frank Scurlock in as mayor, shame on ya.

He’s the man with the plan and he ain’t skeered to put it in motion. He’s got stroke and he’s willin’ to use it.

Too much? OK, OK. I’m sorry.

New Orleans mayoral candidate Frank Scurlock is facing a misdemeanor charge of lewd conduct in Santa Monica, Calif., after allegedly masturbating in an Uber in February.

Scurlock, whose family invented the bouncy house and whose splashy campaign ads have pledged to “Uberize” the New Orleans Police Department, was allegedly caught masturbating by a driver taking him to a hotel in West Hollywood on Feb. 10, Santa Monica Chief Deputy City Attorney Terry White said.

Also known for his billboards showing him in his signature purple top hat and the slogan “Make New Orleans Fun Again,” Scurlock said on Wednesday he did not want to comment on the charge.

“Someone made a claim against me that I’ve hired representation out there to defend it but quite frankly I don’t know what it’s about,” he said.

Contacted by The New Orleans Advocate again on Friday with additional details about the case, Scurlock said, “I have no idea what I’m being charged with. What you just told me is more than I know.”

So the particulars on this don’t really help the man’s cause. Or, hell, maybe they do. It’s 2017, after all – this lil’ incident might just be the color that puts him on the map in the New Orleans mayor’s race.

The Uber driver told police and prosecutors she was driving on a freeway near Santa Monica when she heard sounds coming from the back seat, where Scurlock was sitting, White told The New Orleans Advocate Friday as he read from the driver’s statement. Inferring that Scurlock was masturbating, the driver pulled over and opened the door, White said.

When she did, she allegedly found Scurlock with his pants around his ankles, his shirt pulled up and his erect penis in his hand, White said referencing the driver’s statement.

The driver ordered Scurlock to leave the vehicle and went into a gas station to call police, according to the statement. While she was inside, Scurlock allegedly left the scene.

Police ended up going to Scurlock’s hotel and the driver identified him from a photo line-up, White said.

Lewd conduct is a misdemeanor in California but if found guilty, Scurlock would be required to register as a sex offender in the state, White said. It was not immediately clear whether that would also require him to sign up for Louisiana’s sex offender registry.

This poor guy. He ended up with the only uptight Uber driver in all of Santa Monica. What are the odds, right?

That lineup probably wasn’t too tough a call, either. There’s five guys who don’t know why they’re there and one guy who’s beet red thinkin’ his life is over. Just point to the beet-red dude.

No, this incident – which happened in February, after all, and yet he still decided to run for mayor! – won’t cost our boy Scurlock the election. If anything, it’s gonna gain him votes.

I mean, he’s the guy who’s gonna Make New Orleans Fun Again. Can’t get any more fun than rubbin’ one out in an Uber, right?

But if this is what he meant by sayin’ he wanted to Uberize the NOPD, he’s probably gonna have to recalibrate. That ain’t gonna make it.

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