OK, so I haven’t been around for the last few days.

But it’s not my fault, see. I got kidnapped, manhandled, threatened with a boat paddle and held upside down by the tail. By a former NFL cheerleader who said I smell like a “wet dog.” And some chump from New York put the whole thing on camera. How I got out alive, I’m not sayin’. Let’s just say there are things you do to get by in this world.

And you thought your weekend sucked. I bet you weren’t the star of a wannabe snuff film.