Now That Miles Is Back, A List Of Demands

He’s staying. Which is more or less what Scott said would happen over the weekend.

Guess Scott knew what he was talking about.

Particularly the part about how LSU is a better gig than Michigan. Not that it makes Scott a genius to notice that. Michigan sucks.

Now that he’s back, I have a few requests to make of The Hat. After all, sounds like he’s getting a bunch of things he wants from LSU. It isn’t too much to ask that we get some from him. Since he’s now more or less permanently an LSU man, and we’re stuck with each other, that is.

First, complete sentences. Let’s look into those. At this point, Les, nobody’s gonna run you off for saying something weird. Everybody knows you’re goofy, and at this point we’re prepared to like it. So stop trying to censor yourself. It makes you sound like a dolt. And we know you’re not a dolt. Dolts don’t keep two major universities on pins and needles for days before getting exactly the deal they’re looking for.

We want the guy smart enough to take us for all our ticket money at the poker table and have us happy about it at the end of the day. We’re not so hot on seeing the guy who says stuff like “have a want to” and other babbling BS. Give us a little more, will ya?

Next, this business of all the punters wearing the same number. We’ve dealt with that off and on for three years. Enough already.

This one’s really more of a tip – clapping works a little better when you cup your hands. The fingers-extended thing comes off kinda like a chimpanzee with cymbals. Only without the cymbals.

Also, and it’s just a nutria thing, OK – but the grass-eating? Not cool. I’m a furry rodent, so I’m expected to forage on the foliage. Put a dip in if you gotta; I’d be fine with LSU’s coach spraying the refs with Red Man-peppered tirades the next time Auburn gets away with a late hit or they ignore Ole Miss’ holding. The grass-eating comes off like Captain Queeg. Makes me nervous.

And this is a big one – more fakes. Lots more. You run fakes with more success and flair than anybody in college football. It’s what you do. So do it. We want to see fake field goals and fake punts. Fake extra points. Fakes on the coin toss. Hell, play┬áthe game on Friday and don’t tell Kentucky about it.

This one goes without saying, but no more Michigan, OK? Who knows who they’re going to hire. This cat at San Diego State is gonna get calls from Stanford now, and he might take that job instead of go home to the snow. And if he doesn’t take the gig, those guys are screwed. Whoever they hire, he’s gonna suck. Not only will he suck, they’ll treat him with major suckage and he won’t be there long. So Michigan is not unlikely to come calling again.

If they do, we’re not gonna want to play ball with another raise and a fresh set of goodies for you. Michigan is your alma mater. It’s not an ice cream truck. If you’re gonna go, go. If not, don’t do this “I-went-to-school-there-so-I-gotta-at-least-talk-to-’em” stuff. We’ve got two t-shirts on that already. Don’t need a third.

And finally, get Russell Shepard the ball some. He’s fast. We’re all big Shep fans down here in Barataria. Throw us a bone, huh?

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