The mad genius that is Iowahawk…

Mr. Hector Gutierrez
Gutierrez Bros. Landscaping
Arlington, VA

Dear Mr. Gutierrez:

Nothing could have prepared me for the shock that awaited as I exited the front door of my home early Wednesday morning, where I discovered that your lawn crew had cut a swath of environmental destruction across my yard so horrifying that it only can be compared to the Rape of Nanking. I can scarcely bring myself to describe the killing fields that are my North azalea beds and the brutal degradation and torture suffered by the bluegrass around the locust tree by the rear patio.

No longer will I sit idly while you and your doorknob hangers continue to repeat the Big Lie of “satisfaction guaranteed.” I am writing to inform you that I have contacted the US Department of Interior to conduct a full independent investigation into Gutierrez Brothers’ actions in this matter. Please be advised that you may be subpoenaed for records pertaining to mower height, pruning shear maintenance, and leaf blower emissions.

I would also advise your crewmen to heed the lessons of the Judgement At Nurenburg: although they may be spared the justice due their superiors, “I was only following orders” is not an excuse.

Sincerely,

Representative Steven Cohen
Washington, DC

There are lots more. Read the whole thing.