Ever heard of Andrew Linzey? Of course you haven’t. He hasn’t done anything noteworthy enough that you should know who he is.

Turns out Linzey is a professor at Oxford University in England. He’s also the director of something called the Oxford Centre for Animal Ethics. And now he’s the editor of a brand new publication called the Journal of Animal Ethics – which is sure to be a hot seller.

What the hell is animal ethics? You might think it involves the fact that dogs lick their packages or that flies hang out around piles of shit.

But you’d be wrong. Animal ethics involve you, and what you do.

Want to find out more? Of course you do. So let’s check out the first editorial from this new groundbreaking exercise in academic excellence…

In its first editorial, the journal also condemns the use of terms such as “critters” and “beasts”, and even “wildlife” because it suggests “uncivilised”.

It argues that “derogatory” language about animals can affect the way that they are treated.

“Despite its prevalence, ‘pets’ is surely a derogatory term both of the animals concerned and their human carers,” the editorial claims.

“Again the word ‘owners’, whilst technically correct in law, harks back to a previous age when animals were regarded as just that: property, machines or things to use without moral constraint.”

It goes on: “We invite authors to use the words ‘free-living’, ‘free-ranging’ or ‘free-roaming’ rather than ‘wild animals’.

“For most, ‘wildness’ is synonymous with uncivilised, unrestrained, barbarous existence. There is an obvious prejudgment here that should be avoided.”

Prof Linzey also hopes to see phrases such as “sly as a fox”, “eat like a pig” or “drunk as a skunk” stamped out.

It’s almost obvious that this guy molests collies. Almost. But don’t you want to find out more about this august journal and the fount from which it spews such awesomeness? Of course you do…

The JAE has been launched by a US and UK academic partnership with the goal of widening international debate about the moral status of animals, and is the result of years of collaboration between the Oxford Centre for Animal Ethics and the University of Illinois Press.  It is edited by the internationally known theologian the Reverend Professor Andrew Linzey, Director of the Oxford Centre for Animal Ethics, and Professor Priscilla Cohn, Emeritus Professor of Philosophy at Penn State University and Associate Director of the Centre.

Multidisciplinary in nature and international in scope, the JAE covers theoretical and applied aspects of animal ethics that are of interest to academics from both the humanities and the sciences, as well as professionals working in the field of animal protection.

The moral status of animals.

You have to be extremely well-educated to be this stupid. And you have to have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do all day to dream up an entire publication serving as a platform to mau-mau ordinary homo sapiens not to call animals critters or pets. Because it’s insulting to them, you see.

Call your cat over. Ask the little furball what she thinks of being called a pet. Go ahead, do it. Bet that’s illuminating.

This Linzey guy needs a job. He probably needs a biped for a sex partner, too, but that’d be more information than we’re looking for. Here he is in his own little jungle…

Who put up the money to get this calamity off the ground?

You’re not gonna believe it. No, seriously. You’re. Not. Gonna. Freakin’. Believe. This.

Going to the website, we find this page. It lists the Honorary Fellows for this “Centre.”

Scroll to the bottom, past all the goat-kisser professors nobody’s ever heard of, and you find…

Not Letterman.

Bob Barker.

We’ve got a guy who did the Price Is Right for God-knows-how-many-years kicking in for a journal that wants to tell us not to call our pets pets because it’s demeaning?

Is Western Civilization headed down the tubes? You betcha.

You betcha.