Don’t Mess With Those Robots

I’m just here to tell all’a y’all, sometimes technology is a bad thing.

Take my uncle T-Les for example.

T-Les is the guy – everybody knows a guy like this – who’s got the gift of gab and knows how to…what’s that word MacAoidh always talks about? Oh, yeah – MONETIZE. At least I think that’s the word. T-Les is a monetizer. Dude can sell sand to an Arab. Or, more specifically, trailers to FEMA. He’s a little slick and half the time we really don’t wanna know what he’s doin’. But we love him and all, y’know?

Anyway, T-Les hooked himself up pretty good and now he’s got him a big joint in Golden Meadow with a satellite dish. And he’s up with all the latest gadgets. Guy’s addicted to technology. You’ve probably never seen a nutria carryin’ around a Brookstone catalog, but if you do see one it’s T-Les.

Except he’s goin’ through a rough time now, because of all that technology.

See, T-Les’ son T-Burger (don’t ask me how he got that name; I really don’t know and don’t wanna know) starts havin’ problems at school back in May. Report card comes back and it looks like Greece’s bond rating. And they have a big blowup about it and T-Les isn’t satisfied with what he’s hearin’.

So what does he do? He goes out and buys a robot.

Not just any robot, mind you. This one’s a lie detector robot. And when it knows you’re lyin’ it comes up and slaps you. No kiddin’.

So T-Les brings the thing home and doesn’t tell the family. Instead, they all sit down to dinner – T-Les, T-Burger and Mama Clothilde. And the conversation goes kinda like this…

T-Les: “Ho T-Burger, you went to school today?”

T-Burger: “Sure did, Dad.”

Here comes the robot and Pow! Right across T-Burger’s cheek. After he finishes yelpin’, T-Les explains it’s a lie detector and from now on they’re gonna have truth at the dinner table.

T-Les: “How ’bout you tell us where you went instead of school, hotshot?”

T-Burger: “All right. Went to my friend Gator’s house and watched a movie on his pay-per-view.”

No slappin’.

T-Les: “Yeah? What’d you watch?”

T-Burger: “Toy Story.”

Robot rolls back over to him and Pow!

T-Burger: “All right, I’m sorry. It was a porno.”

T-Les: “Boy, boy boy. That’s turrible. You’re wastin’ your youth when you oughta be learnin’. Why, when I was your age I didn’t even know what porno was.”

Here comes the robot. Blam!

Now Mama Clothilde starts laughin’.

Mama C: “Shooo, that boy is your son fa sho’, T-Les!”

And the robot rolled over and slapped Mama Clothilde, too.

T-Les threw Mama Clothilde out of the mansion in Golden Meadow for that. He hired up some fancy divorce lawyer out of Raceland; she had to decamp to her sister’s place over by Des Allemands. It’s not going well. And T-Burger starts at St. Stanislaus on the coast this week; T-Les told the brothers not to spare the rod.

He didn’t send the robot with him, though. He was too pissed for that. Instead, he put the thing on Craigslist and sold it to some good-lookin’ chick from Denham Springs who just married an old guy. She said she doesn’t trust him cuz he’s a Democrat and he wasn’t faithful to his last couple wives.

Who knows how that’s gonna turn out. Me, I’m not about to get a slappin’ robot. I like my lies to hold up a little longer than that.

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