He Says He’s Not Guilty

Like what? He didn’t do it?

The Alabama fan accused of being the man seen on a video apparently committing sexual battery on an unconscious LSU fan after the BCS championship football game, has pleaded not guilty in Orleans Parish Criminal Court.

Thirty-two-year-old Brian H. Downing, of Smiths Station, Ala., was arraigned Monday on one count each of sexual battery of a male victim and obscenity.

A video that went viral on the Internet appeared to show someone in a University of Alabama jacket abusing an unconscious Louisiana State University fan after Alabama beat LSU for the BCS football championship on Jan. 9.

This guy Downing, and his attorney, are a trip.

After all, he’s on video rubbing his junk on that poor kid’s head.

Sure, plead not guilty. No reason not to. Might as well, right?

Here’s the question, though – what’s his defense? “Wasn’t me, boss?” “Wasn’t me, boss” didn’t work on his boss at Hibbett Sports, though – they took one look at that video and fired him on the spot.

Now he’s got no job, he’s an indicted criminal on sexual battery charges and it’s a matter of time before that chick in the bathtub with him in that wedding picture will be takin’ that young’un and bolting. Bet here is she’ll retreat to Orange Beach and look for one of those hairy redneck Sugar Daddy types who can make her forget about that no-good teabaggin’ ex of hers.

As for him? Betcha the attorney’s doin’ everything he can to get a plea deal. And betcha the New Orleans DA is sayin’ “Plea deal? Plea deal? Don’t talk about plea deal.”

As in, you’re on video. You’re cold-busted. And this town really wants us to convict somebody of something. A douchy white dude who acted the fool on a local on the worst possible night you could have done it? Lucky you don’t get lynched – you’re our huckleberry.

That means jail. That means if he thinks he was on the cuttin’ edge of funny stuff you can do to somebody with your package, just wait ’til he gets to serve out a sentence for sexual battery. He’s gonna learn a lot.

And then there’s the fact he gets to report himself as a sex-offender everywhere he goes for the rest of his life.

But on the other hand, he’s gonna be able to make money signin’ autographs at Bama fan gatherings for the rest of his life. So there is that. Only if he fesses up and says “Yeah, that was me” though.



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