There Are Snakes At The State Capitol, And The Advocate Is The Last To Know

A piece which pretty much writes itself, fa sho…

There are always jokes this time of year about all the unsavory characters coming through the State Capitol, as legislators and lobbyists come together to wrangle over what bills will eventually become law. But this year, those same people are sharing space with snakes — real snakes, presumably water snakes migrating from nearby Capitol Lake.

The exact number of snakes found in the building hasn’t been pinned down. The official word from the people who run the building’s operations is that there have been four or five confirmed snake sightings dating back to late April.

But a quick survey of the people who guard the doors or the people who clean the floors and take out the garbage, and the problem appears to be much more widespread. They estimate there have been more than a dozen snakes found in the building going back to early spring.

The rest of the piece is full of leges crackin’ wise about how (1) we’re talkin’ about real snakes and not politicians, right? and (2) the bulk of the serpentine critters are found in a room named for John Alario, and he swears he ain’t related.

But this story is much ado about nuthin’, because the snakes they’re findin’ at the Capitol are little baby snakes. Like 10 inches long an’ so forth.

And that means they can’t possibly be mistaken for the leges. Why, to fool people into thinkin’ you’re John Bel Edwards you pretty much have to have a rattle on your butt. Everybody knows this.

Then there’s the cat who’s the director of the state’s Democrat caucus who calls himself the St. Patrick of the Capitol – which is a glorified way of sayin’ he’s the flunky who gets the crap job of pickin’ up the little garter snakes who hang out in the basement closets. If he says he’s St. Patrick on his resume’, that’ll tell you all you need to know. But it’ll serve him fine if he’s lookin’ for a position in the varmint control industry.

They don’t need a St. Patrick at the Capitol. What they need is a good mongoose or a honey badger. Except there’s a huge risk of collateral damage if they bring one in before the session’s over – the lil’ sucker might make a mistake and take down Steven Ortego. Or Dee Richard. You can decide for yourself if it’d be worth it.

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