Good morning America, Ladies and Gentleman and all the ships at sea; I’m Walter Brainwaste and THIS is the news!
Canada was attacked by an alleged LONE WOLF terrorist(s). In a display of incredible horror determination and violent intensity a Canadian soldier was “allegedly” assassinated and the interior of the Canadian Parliament building was “allegedly” attacked, breached and violated. Except for the solid, dedicated and professional intervention of a gun toting Sergeant-at-Arms carrying only the strength of his character and a handgun stopped a murderous cur from executing more innocents. Residents of Ferguson Missouri immediately contacted Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan so they could properly resurrect Martin Luther King Jr. and blame the problem on the Jews or as Jackson said “Hymie”.
It’s been rumored the Obama Administration was apoplectic because they couldn’t get the Canadian government to accept the idea it was simple “workplace violence”. Obama, believing Canada was one of the 57 states he travelled to during his campaign, was at a complete loss for words. It was determined his Teleprompters® were unmanned and all of his speech writers were under quarantine for feverish projectile diarrhea affecting their delivery of pithy commentary covering his incompetence. This didn’t cause the president to miss a beat as he offered his condolences to the families of dead terrorists and assured America “Islam is still a religion of peace.” (A piece of you here; a piece of you there.)
Lieutenant Colonel Allen West added his firm assurance Allah would give the terrorists 70 virgin, pork eating homosexual prison inmates known as “Bubba bin waitinforya”. West assured us it would be a memorable admission to Paradise through Mecca’s back door and the gates of their most revered holy places.
A leading commentator said “Obama looked like a stammering idiot as he commented in a manner indicating he had no idea where the hell Canada is, but then, how would you really tell the difference from this presser and any other public comment the man offered.” (It was noted the commentator was NOT John Boehner who was said to be ossified, a drained glass of hooch and a burning cigarette lolling in his hands as he snored, asleep in his easy chair located in his Congressional Offices.)
Harry Reid immediately called for an indictment of the Koch Brothers for their steadfast refusal to supply cola for Senate functions. Nancy Pelosi was interviewed and in a fiery response to this “incredible act of right wing conspiratorial violence” stated outright she would wait for the indictment to be issued and acted upon so that “we can see what’s in it away from the controversy.” Her face then collapsed as her Botox injections melted from the inanity of her response. Barbara “Botox” Boxer issued no statement because her cheekbones were fused and her hair plugs were falling out.
John McCain suggested we carpet bomb Detroit to avoid an act of war with Canada but to show our support for whatever it was they decided to do unless it didn’t work for his purposes on the particular day the bombing occurred. Lindsey Graham, McCain’s wannabee clone, stood by looking intense, his brow furrowed, molten pudding flowing from his intense gaze and fists clenched as he looked constipated; assured us he would form a blue-ribbon committee as soon as he could arrange his chairmanship of it. He assured it would be one more waste of taxpayer’s time and money.
Marco Rubio suggested we sponsor a Dream Act for illegal aliens and help them to settle in all of the Canadian Provinces with the help of La Raza and Jennifer Lopez. Rubio stated he’d select Lopez as his running mate (wink-wink-giggle), once he’s nominated. He said it was a tough choice between Jennifer and George Lopez but what the heck, they’re both Hispanic. He did note Jennifer has better looking legs and hooters. She also sings better.
Senator Cruz said he’d build a wall, not a fence, on the northern border sure to increase employment and stop terrorists’ entry into this country. Mary Landrieu said she’d vote for the wall even though she thought it was dumb. It was later explained to her where Canada is and how there’s no chance she could really expect to buy a mansion there without giving up her citizenship in Washington D.C.
In closing Edwin Edwards offered sage commentary to the Canadian government: “I believe you’re only as old as the woman you feel” and “I don’t use Viagra, I’m a donor”. His latest wife Alia “Candy” Immaho bin seen dalite” led him to bed, gave him a glass of warm milk and started a slow, undulating Dance of the Seven Veils. Edwards fell asleep on the third veil.
I’m Walter Brainwaste signing off. This program was brought to you by our sponsor: Aloha Snack Bar, Principal Operator – Ibrahim Ibn Sittinonaloadofpoopoo allday. They’re purveyors of fine Islamic Indonesian Sandwiches and Treats.
WAIT!!! WAIT!!! I’ve just been handed this late breaking news.
President Obama, the First Lady, their children and the White House leech, Valerie Jarrett will travel to the Aloha Snack Bar as soon as the multi-million dollar junket’s plans can be solidified, the records sealed and Air Force One can be fueled with organic jet fuel costing millions more than standard petroleum based gas. An aide to the president who asked to remain anonymous was overheard saying: “Maybe we can recycle one of the b^&tard’s old campaign speeches to power the jet on his Methane expulsion.”
That’s it from MSNBCBSCNN.com, I’m Walter Brainwaste and this has been Thanks for listening.