That’s surely what the New Orleans Saints coach is after his team did its level best to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory against the New York Giants Sunday in MetLife Stadium.
If you didn’t see the game, you’ll be shocked to hear this, but Moore’s offense came out like it hadn’t practiced all week. The team kicked off to the Giants, who did nothing. Then the Saints got the ball, and actually got a first down before the drive stalled and they had to punt.
On the next series, left tackle Asim Richards assumed putting a defender in a headlock in no way violated NFL rules. The officials felt differently, so the Saints found themselves in a familiar place — behind the sticks.
Being a slow learner, Richards tried the same technique on the very next play. He was once again flagged, the Giants accepted, and the Saints needed binoculars to see the first down marker. They punted again.
The next series, if you want to call it that, included a delay of game penalty, putting the Saints once again behind the sticks. Three and out, and a punt.
Thanks to a strong defensive effort, and Jameis Winston playing like Jameis Winston, the Saints got the ball back, and put together a bit of a drive, securing not one, not two, but three first downs before the drive stalled and they trotted Daniel “Tucker” Carlson out there to see if he could somehow push through a 55-yarder.
Considering every Saints kicker since Morten Andersen has sucked like a 1950s-era Kirby, this was like asking Moore to breath through his nose. Carlson pulled the kick wide left.
Miraculously, the team was only down 7-0 at this point, but it felt like the Saints couldn’t score if they walked through a Tijuana brothel with a pocketful of Benjamins.
The Giants got the ball back, and were kind enough to demonstrate how to successfully kick a football between two uprights. Given how the game had gone, Giants coach John Harbaugh could be forgiven for thinking that was all the points he’d need.
But from the sideline, Carlson had been watching, and after a short Saints drive, he actually booted through a 58-yarder to pull the team within one score.
That’s when the Saints got a break that proved God hates the New York Giants. On the ensuing kickoff after the field goal, returner Charlie Jones fumbled and Oscar Delp recovered. Five plays later, Saints QB Tyler Shough hit rookie WR Bryce Lance for a 2-yard touchdown pass.
Carlson, with what he learned from watching Daniel Zvada’s successful FG earlier still fresh in his brain, actually made the extra point to tie the score at 10-10.
The Saints would score the next 24 points to push the score to a blowout-level 34-10, with everyone in attendance, including Moore, thinking victory was theirs. Players and coaches could see themselves boarding the plane to a riotous Paris with a bottle of Dom Perignon chilling next to every seat.
Learning from his nearly-disastrous decision to play his starters after the MNF game against Atlanta was out of hand, Moore ordered backups to replace nearly everyone on the field, including Shough.
The hopes they would get some rest faded when rookie RB C.J. Donaldson put the ball on the ground, and gave it right back to a Giants offense headed by J.J. McCarthy. Yes, THAT J.J. McCarthy. The one in the memes. Old Nine himself.
On the plane ride from Minneapolis to New York after getting traded by the Vikings, McCarthy must have sat next to Joe Montana because he did absolutely everything he wanted against the Saints defense, racking up 243 yards in only 11 minutes of game time.
In the meantime, the Saints offense looked as inept as it did for 28 minutes in the first half, and couldn’t even come close to putting additional points on the board.
McCarthy came one completed pass in the end zone away from tying the game and sending it into overtime, which the Saints almost certainly would have lost considering how the team was playing.
Coaches and players exited the field and collected in the locker room, where Moore went through his post-win routine of handing out 472 game balls for even the most menial of accomplishments. Normally NFL locker rooms after wins are raucous and ebullient, particularly after road wins, but the Saints’ was almost moribund. The players knew they dodged a bullet, and left for Paris not with a feeling of confidence but rather one of concern.
The most this team can play per game is two quarters of successful, winning football. Sometimes that’s enough to earn a victory, like it was against the Ravens and Sunday against the Giants, and sometimes it’s not, like the games against Detroit and the Raiders. It couldn’t even muster up two good quarters in the beatdowns by the Falcons and Vikings.
Moore and the team had the opportunity to make a statement Sunday after a difficult week when the owner publicly told the coaching staff and administration it had better get its act together. After another dreadful start, they seemed they might do that.
Imagine if the Saints had kept the foot on the gas and truly blown out the Giants. Let’s say 44-10. All the talk of Moore being out of his depth and him having lost the locker room would have been chalked up as pundit nonsense.
But now that’s all in the forefront again. Yes, they won, and that’s great. Road wins are tough to come by in the National Football League.
But now the team has more questions than answers as it heads to Paris, a metropolis whose nickname “City of Lights” has taken on new meaning with rioters setting cars, businesses and historic buildings ablaze. Are they any good? Is Moore competent? Will Gayle Benson fire him after the next loss? Is general manager Mickey Loomis also on the chopping block?
This type of insecurity is a distraction, and doesn’t in any way help players focus on the task at hand.
Moore would have to go on a multi-game winning streak to remove all doubt about his job security. With his coaching ability, lack of leadership skills, and with this roster, that’s unlikely.
That’s why Spirit Halloween could stock its zombie section with masks that look just like Kellen Moore.
He’s a dead man walking.
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