SARGE: A Clarification From A Cop On The Beat

In an effort to clarify President Beaurat Obama’s “23 ways to look like I’m  doing something while actually doing nothing on Gun Control” Executive Orders; I will use my 30 years of Law Enforcement experience to give a “Cop-on-the-beat” interpretation of what is actually meant.

1. “Issue a presidential memorandum to require federal agencies to make relevant data available to the federal background check system.” Obama bloviated his emotional rhetoric and passed gas on national news outlets requiring bureaucracies speak to each other but not necessarily in the same language.

2. “Address unnecessary legal barriers, particularly relating to the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, that may prevent states from making information available to the background check system.” Spend & waste immeasurably large amounts of time how we may invade your privacy to gather as much useless information concerning your hemorrhoids, facial, tic, gastric evacuation etc.

3. “Improve incentives for states to share information with the background check system.” Print more money & spread it around so states can communicate by computer.

4. “Direct the attorney general to review categories of individuals prohibited from having a gun to make sure dangerous people are not slipping through the cracks.” See if you can get Eric Holder to something/anything right concerning NOT using tactics like Fast & Furious which really embarrasses us badly.”

5. “Propose rule-making to give law enforcement the ability to run a full background check on an individual before returning a seized gun.” Shoot my mouth off while asking for more unenforceable laws, rules and regulations.

6. “Publish a letter from ATF to federally licensed gun dealers providing guidance on how to run background checks for private sellers.” Consider this a new effort to publish a set of salient commentary a la The Audacity of Hope and gain acceptance of my ghost-written literary style.

7. “Launch a national safe and responsible gun ownership campaign.” Plagiarize NRA instruction used over the last century to better educate people while giving me credit for it.

8. “Review safety standards for gun locks and gun safes (Consumer Product Safety Commission).” Consult with Good Housekeeping and Consumer Reports to find out which locks and safes are best.

9. “Issue a presidential Memorandum to require federal law enforcement to trace guns recovered in criminal investigations.” Write another Sticky Note everybody will ignore. They’re already supposed to do this with every violent crime.

10. “Release a DOJ report analyzing information on lost and stolen guns and make it widely available to law enforcement.” Create another boring, undecipherable agglomeration of scales and compilation of facts, figures and data useful in no way other than dazzle the audience with our brilliance and ability to compile compilations.

11. “Nominate an ATF director.” Give that guy doing the job; the job.

12. “Provide law enforcement, first responders, and school officials with proper training for active shooter situations.” Replicate, with newly printed money, law enforcement efforts being accomplished before I put this crap together.

13. “Maximize enforcement efforts to prevent gun violence and prosecute gun crime.” Stamp my foot and hold my breath to show I’m concerned. When that fails make a speech decrying the violence and my concerns about it.

14. “Issue a presidential memorandum directing the Centers for Disease Control to research the causes and prevention of gun violence.” Figure out a way to vaccinate people to avoid infection from Homicidal Mania after getting it declared an organic disease.

15. “Direct the attorney general to issue a report on the availability and most effective use of new gun safety technologies and challenge the private sector to develop innovative technologies.” Don’t let Eric Holder commit anymore dumb bass screw-ups like Fast & Furious.

16. “Clarify that the Affordable Care Act does not prohibit doctors asking their patients about guns in their homes.” See if we can get doctors to find out what else his/her patients have concealed in their drawers.

17. “Release a letter to health care providers clarifying that no federal law prohibits them from reporting threats of violence to law enforcement authorities.” After determining we can’t violate Doctor/Patient confidentiality; do it anyway.

18. “Provide incentives for schools to hire school resource officers.” Print even more money to allow local law enforcement to keep School Resource Officers ham-strung by local politics as possible. Don’t use the bloated bureaucracy Homeland Security has become.

19. “Develop model emergency response plans for schools, houses of worship and institutions of higher education.” Replicate what the State, Local and Municipal law enforcement operations have already done but claim credit for having thought of it and commanded it grow and flourish.

20. “Release a letter to state health officials clarifying the scope of mental health services that Medicaid plans must cover.” See #17

21. “Finalize regulations clarifying essential health benefits and parity requirements within ACA exchanges.” Cram Affordable Care Act further down the people’s throats or up the other way; whichever works best.

22. “Commit to finalizing mental health parity regulations.” Figure out a way of getting Gun Ownership declared an organic disease.

23. “Launch a national dialogue led by Secretaries Sebelius and Duncan on mental health.” Get these two dumb basses off of the phone with me and let them play house in the closet. (Arne Duncan is Secretary of Education. What the hell does he know about Gun Violence other than what Obama’s told him, and then only on a need to know basis.)

In finality I would ask you for your interpretations of what he wants to do. Do you think any of this will stop, slow, hinder or otherwise decrease the impact of gun violence in America? Let him know his at his website:

Thanks for listening



Interested in more national news? We've got you covered! See More National News
Previous Article
Next Article

Trending on The Hayride