SARGE: Edwards’ Viaggravation

Here, in the land of “real men”, gator hunters, deer hunters and beer hunters we have an anomaly: the attention hunter. This would be a person suffering from a heretofore un-diagnosable disease: Celebri-holism.

The disease is defined by a never ending need to maintain a position glaringly and blindingly smack in the sight path of people preferring he rather simply get a clue and disappear into the fading limelight of his personal history. The sufferer believes he must at all times control a position in the spotlight. The Kardashians, Charlie Sheen and Shia LeBeouf are noted and untreated chronic sufferers. The most famous local (loco?) person to suffer this mental aberration is our own beloved ex-con and former governor, Edwin Edwards.

I’d suggest an intervention to help this man in his hour of need. During this intervention he could learn of Celebriholics’ Anonymous and start working his twelve steps as follows:

The Twelve Steps of Celebriholics Anonymous

1. He must admit he is powerless over celebrity—and that he is making OUR lives unmanageable. (We just can’t get rid of the guy!)

2. He must come to believe and understand there really is a power greater than he and that power can restore him to sanity.

3. He must make a decision to turn his will and at least one of his nine lives over to the care of God as is understood (by normal people) and that he is indeed NOT the God all Louisiana people worship.

4. Make a personal searching and fearless moral inventory. (This could take awhile due to the fact there’s a lot to inventory when you’re 86 years old and known to be at least a political profligate and a [stale if not facing putrefaction] raconteur, bon vivant and roué par excellence.)

5. He must admit to God, to himself, and to another human being the exact nature of his wrongs. (This again could take an interminable amount of time but if he can harness some of that energy he claims to have while trying to live up to his advertised pharmaceutically enhanced virility, he should have NO problem hanging in there until this is done.)

6. He must be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. This would possibly make him assume the vacant stare and lost look of an amnesiac making him unrecognizable, but it must be asked: is that such a bad thing?

7. He must humbly ask God (not himself) to remove his shortcomings. (This could be the toughest of all of the steps because Edwards has NEVER been noted for his deep-seated humility)

8. He must make a list of all persons we harmed, and become willing to make amends to all of them. (An accumulation of all phone books printed since his entry into politics as well as access to the Internet should help in developing the list of names.)

9. He should make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. (This could be accomplished between naps and ingestions of Viagra in order to capture his attentive consciousness.)

10. He should continue to take personal inventory and when he sees he’s wrong, promptly admit it. (In Edwards’ case this could take all flippin’ day.)

11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve his conscious contact with God, as others understand God (and not his twisted perception), praying only for knowledge of God’s will for him and the power to hang in there with it. (This could be mistaken for involuntary napping and nodding off. Good luck with that one Eddie.)

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, he should try to carry this message to other Celebriholics, and to practice these principles in all of his affairs. (The allusion to affairs has nothing to do with women outside of marriage Eddie. This might be another toughy.)

Politics is, at least in some ways, a form of “manly enhancement” such as Viagra ® for the man. He just never seems to get enough of the thrill he finds in being center-stage in his personally crumbling theatricality.

Many of us find his cloying need for attention boorish, infantile and Viaggravating. He and Miz Trina should climb into their separate tubs to appreciate the sunset after Edward’s latest attempt to put it to Louisiana one more time.

I know Louisiana could feel cleaner afterwards.

Thanks for listening.

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