SARGE: Bemusement

I’m sitting here in a condition of severe bemusement. The confusion comes from the near daily harangue of newscaster/readers placing so much emphasis on the weight of footballs during a game on Sunday. Specifically, we‘re being blasted with questions concerning Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady’s balls, the weight of them, when did they lighten and why didn’t he notice his balls became lighter.

It appears there’s no real answer because Football, being the megalithic sports endeavor it is in America, and the swollen number of staff members charged with the task of knowing the weight of Brady’s balls has caused so much controversy shielding us from getting any real answers. This is evident after enduring a news conference conducted by Bill Belichick.

He spoke eloquently and with suppressed emotion concerning this topic and set in stone the fact that even though he’s the coach, he’s too stupid to know what’s going on around him or whether or not his star quarterback has been fielding numerous balls too lightweight for NFL standards. It would seem appropriate to state at this time that there are several people in the Equipment Manager’s Department of the team tasked with weighing Brady’s balls before each game. It’s also been disclosed that game officials took Brady’s balls in hand and weighed them before the game with no deviance noted in the weight demanded of any quarterback’s balls pre-game.

It would seem Brady’s balls were handled efficiently by everybody from the Equipment Manager down to the “Ball Boy” seen massaging Brady’s balls on the sideline. He kept them warm inside a towel lovingly maintained so as to prevent unauthorized personnel touching Brady’s balls without permission and before handing them off to an official at change of possession.

The major problem noted in this matter is the fact Brady has suggested in the past he prefers his balls to be lighter. This allows him to grasp his balls with greater dexterity as they yield to his grip a little more under specific weather conditions. It’s also been stated by sports mavens, pundits and experts that Brady’s receivers can grasp and handle Brady’s balls when passed to them more efficiently when they are lightened. Therefore, the rules being what they are suggest quarterbacks fielding lighter balls are in violation of NFL rules and should be removed from the game.

It’s also been said there should be greater sanctions leveed by the NFL’s Roger Goodell (who’s been accused of being a less than stellar commander–in-chief after fumbling Ray Rice’s usage of his soon to be wife as an Everlast Speed Bag). It is believed it’s the responsibility of Roger Goodell to firmly take Brady’s balls and remove them from the game. Nobody should be allowed to play the game with less weighty balls prescribed by the rules.

If this is found to be a case where the Patriots have cheated; then they and their balls should be removed from the chance to play in the Super Bowl. If unfair advantage has been given to one team or another and as such cheating is a nefarious and blatant violation, the team and their balls should be removed from contention and the violated team be allowed to advance to the Super Bowl with their balls closely checked to assure conformity with rules.

This matter has drawn sufficient news coverage to assure the constant and vigilant efforts of the NFL to assure the proper ball weight either singularly or in groups will be paid proper attention to at all times. The possibility one team of the other may be able to benefit from lightweight balls must be removed from the realm of possibility. The team’s balls must always be kept close track of and the maintenance of ball integrity, especially the quarterbacks should be monitored. They should be weighed before the public. They should be stamped with indelible ink before each game showing they have been checked. Then league officials should stand guard over the team’s balls to assure nobody plays with, deflates or potentially over-inflates the balls and thus causing the ball to rupture the integrity of the internal bladder of the ball. This condition is known in the game as a “ball-buster”.

In conclusion we at the Center Regulating Overly Tenacious Controversial Harangue (CROTCH) believe the journalists of the world should get a life and recognize there are more important news stories to cover than the weight of Tom Brady’s balls.

Thanks for listening



Interested in more national news? We've got you covered! See More National News
Previous Article
Next Article
Join the Conversation - Download the Speakeasy App.

Trending on The Hayride