The Grumpy Voter’s Guide To The First Democrat Presidential Debate

This is the part where I’m supposed to care about a bunch of ancient socialists who will be getting on stage to sell statism to the American sheeple. However, I’m having a really tough time faking any affection for Hillary and her friends. I guess Bill Clinton and I have something in common after all.

Let’s face a few common facts before we even consider this debate. First fact is that you will need to drink, snort, inject, or smoke lots of drugs in order to make this debate even remotely entertaining. The second fact is that the people on stage are best advertisement ever for Depends. Finally, no one on that stage whose name is not Hillary Clinton will not be the Democrat Party nominee.

Without further ado, here’s my thoughts on what each err….candidate….needs to do tonight to try and become somewhat relevant.

Hillary Clinton: Perhaps some planned spontaneity or rehearsed laughter will shake the coldness off. Maybe she can ask for the questions in advance. I wonder though if she can handle the “tough” questions that Anderson Cooper will ask.

Bernie Sanders: I suppose we should stick with the basics which is don’t do anything to make voters worry that he should be committed. Once he’s done pretending that he’s sane, he should probably go into a little more specifics into how “democratic socialism” will work. Will it be any different from say Cuba or Venezuela?

Martin O’Malley: It’s probably not a good idea to talk about being the former Mayor of Baltimore. It’s probably not a good idea to talk about being the former Governor of Maryland either. Just stick to your basics which is that you want to take everyone’s guns away and tax them to death.

Jim Webb: He is a relatively conservative Democrat. In fact, I would vote Webb over some of the Republicans running (*cough* Trump *cough*). Since Webb isn’t a lunatic leftist, the Marxist audience will not be interested in what he has to say. So he should make this as fun as he can. My suggestion, slam the current Democrat Party as the Marxists that they are and then get off the stage, go to the bar, and have some drinks.

Lincoln Chafee: Here’s proof that the anti-American Democrat Party has its limits to what it can tolerate. He should stay away from the metric system. Even they think that’s a bit weird. Instead Chafee should stick to things that can better endear him to the audience such as repairing relations with Venezuela and how we can learn from Cuba’s healthcare system.

Remember, if you choose to watch this debate, please stay away from sharp objects. Also, it is a good idea to lock the bleach up. Finally, The Hayride is not responsible for any deaths due to alcohol poisoning.



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