BLANCO: The Coming 2024 Puddles Pity Party Primaries

In just over two years the Presidential primaries will be ramping up and for this, I pulled out my crystal ball to look at the 2024 primaries. Yes, I used it predict LSU being blown out by Alabama, which didn’t transpire. Not my fault that Alabama is over-rated and my magic 8 ball Crystal Ball does not work on sports.

Besides, I like tough guy sports like hockey. It’s the only sport where I saw a man break his leg and continue to play for another 45 seconds.

I’m not going to try to predict the GOP candidates because three years is a long way off and who knows what’s going to happen there but on the Democrat side is a whole different story. First up is Joe Biden, who very clearly isn’t going to be allowed to run again. Oh I’m sure he’ll have some handlers around him that will wake him up at 9 am and tell him it’s 6 am. Too make sure Pendejoe feels tough, he’ll down his two raw eggs  while he listens to the 45 second intro to Eye of the Tiger on loop. Actually the two raw eggs will be poached because the egg white reminds him of two scoops of ice cream, Then they’ll play one of his 2020 campaign speeches with Obama crowd noise and tell him that was a great speech he gave that day. It won’t matter, Pendejoe won’t know the difference. After which, they’ll tuck him back into the bunker and tell him it’s their campaign strategy.

A recent USA Today/Suffolk poll shows that 64 percent of the public doesn’t want Biden heading the Democrat ticket in 2024. That isn’t good. Nor is his 38 percent approval rating (59 percent disapprove). In a prospective 2024 matchup with Donald Trump, Biden is on the wrong side of a 44-40 defeat, per the poll.

Kamala will also be campaigning for the top of the ticket, but she too will be campaigning from the bunker. As it turns out, when she hides and nobody sees her or hears her cackling, people like her better. The USA Today/Suffolk poll has Kamala’s approval rating at…28 percent.

Of course oldest privileged white man Bernie Sanders will be running. Doesn’t he always? We already know what his campaign will be about. He hasn’t had an original thought since that night he got drunk and half naked and did the Safety Dance to Rod Stewart’s ‘Do you think I’m sexy’ in front of his Soviet Comrades. I admit it, I made up the part about Western music playing. Whether National Socialist, Khmer Rouge, or Communist – we know socialists have a proclivity to abolishing all music that is not exclusively pro-socialist. Sanders campaign will once again argue that the party apparat should have the right to gormandize to the famine of the plebeians.

Beto O’Rourke will launch his campaign by throwing avocados at his audience so you know it will be a crappy campaign from the start. It will be the fastest Presidential campaign crash since that night Ted Kennedy volunteered Mary Jo Kopechne for a swim.

Mancub Adam Kinzinger will have his own campaign trail of tears while singing I wanna be like you as he desperately seeks socialist approval and make a guest appearance by switching parties and running as a Democrat since his seat is gone. If he can’t make fire, he’ll have better luck making guacamole out of Beto’s avocados.

Gavin Newsom will also jump in the fray. Though his campaign will be more about Democrats trying to avoid the largest landslide in American history. Mondale lost 49 states, he did muster only Minnesota. Newsome’s campaign will be about not duplicating that electoral landslide by guaranteeing California stays blue.

John Bel Edwards might jump in the fire, but since he hides behind his close buddy, Biden, nobody will notice him. Besides Stacy Abrams will campaign as the “southern candidate” and eat Cheetos during campaign speeches and all the Democrats will think she’s eating Mini Donald Trumps. It might be the best Democrat strategy  of any of the candidates. That is Abrams, not Joke Bel Edwards.

Hank Johnson will also consider running, but the other candidates will promise him trillions of dollars in aid money to strengthen Pacific islands so they don’t capsize and he’ll endorse them. Though, I agree, it would be a bad thing if islands capsized due to added population, I just don’t think we need to spend trillions of dollars on that kind of aid. I’m such a grinch.

Among the most important issues in the Democrat party will be
Which gender is each of the candidates?
What marginalized community do they self identify as?
What message does their mask have on it?
Should corporations profit off of selling food?
How many times can they use the word “Metastasize”
Should Blue States stop buying oil and gas from carbon producing Red States, especially in the winter?

 

Bold Predictions for 2024
Trans-speciesism will be the new thing.
Saying Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker are fictional characters will get you accused of spreading misinformation
One of the Democrat candidates will profess support of inter-species dating.
Antifa tries to cancel all things Martin Luther King Jr, while highlighting all the work Margaret Sanger has done to improve the economy of minority communities.
Suddenly police shootings will be an issue again having made it’s return from a three year absence. (ok, this isn’t so much bold as it is expected)
Puddles the Sad Clown with a Golden Voice becomes a major write in candidate for the Democrat nomination.

Q&A Session with my Crystal Ball M8B
When I shook my magic, err, my crystal ball (that I named M8B) and asked several questions, I got the following answers.

Q: “Should the Democrats look forward to 2024?”
M8B “Very Doubtful”

Q: “Will Joe Biden be the Democrat nominee?”
M8B: “My sources say No”

Q: “Will the Democrats nominate Bernie Sanders?”
M8B: “Outlook Not So Good”

Q: “Will the Democrats still be living in the pandemic?”
M8B: “Absolutely”

Q: “Will the number of booster shots the candidates have received be a campaign issue?”
M8B: “Better not tell you now”

Q: “Should I run for President as a Republican?”
M8B: “Absolutely”

Q: “Would I win?”
M8B: “No”

Unfortunately my magic crystal ball isn’t so good with sports or I’d be the betting king and I could buy a couple of Democrat lawmakers with that kind of money. But the Democrat 2024 primary certainly appears to be shaping up as another show known as Puddles Pity Party, the sad clowns without the golden voice. Here’s three cheers to hoping my  orbuculum shows me an accurate 2024.

Interested in more national news? We've got you covered! See More National News
Previous Article
Next Article
Join the Conversation - Download the Speakeasy App.

Trending on The Hayride