(sung to the tune of Kenny Rogers: The Gambler)

In a cold winter’s evenin’ with the country goin’ nowhere
I met up with a rambler; we were both to chapped to speak
So we took turns a swearing, at Obama and his darkness
‘Til the boredom overtook us, I think he took a leak.

He said “Son, I’ve made my life out of’ runnin’ campaign races
And knowin’ what I’d get by the way I told old campaign lies
So if you don’t mind me saying, this country’s out of aces
So I’ll just have me some of your whiskey and tell you some more lies.

So I handed him my trust and he swallowed like it was rust
Then he smoked one o’ my cigarettes and blew smoke up my butt
And the night got deathly quiet, and his voice was all dejected
Said, “if you’re gonna play the game boy, you gotta learn to lie all night.

You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em
Know how to say the words you know that just ain’t right
You don’t sell out as soon as able, when there’s time to still look stable
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when double dealin’s done.

Now every statesman knows the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away and what you still can steal
‘Cause ev’ry hand’s a winner and I’m just another loser
And the best that you can hope for is I die while I’m asleep.

So when he finished speaking, he’d drunk up all my whiskey
He’d smoked all of my cigarettes and passed out, it was creepy!
And somewhere in the darkness, old Boehner broke wind deeply
But in that gas attack I found an ace that I could keep.

You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em
Know how to say the words you know that just ain’t right
You never sell out as soon as able when there’s time to still look stable
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when double dealin’s done.

(with apologies to Kenny Rogers)