Here we are, the second Republican debate. If it’s like the first one, it will be a clown show thanks to one particular candidate in the race.
Just like the first debate, there will be a kiddie table debate and the main event which will feature 11 candidates instead of 10 because CNN didn’t want to hurt a couple of candidates’ feelings.
Without further ado, here’s what I think each candidate has to do tonight to come out on top.
Kiddie Table Debate
No one really cares about this debate. That’s good because neither do I.
The Big Kids Debate, Candidates By Their Poll Ranking.
Donald Trump — There really isn’t anything this toupeed blowhard has to say that would remotely interest me except if he says the phrase “I’m suspending my campaign.”
Ben Carson — You’re a nice guy and mild-mannered non politician. We get it. The thing I’m looking for tonight is to see if Carson is even remotely interested in policy. So far, the clear answer to that question is no, which is why I can’t seriously consider him.
Jeb! Bush — I would like to see if he’s more than the gaffe prone bore that we’ve been seeing so far.
Ted Cruz — Cruz is a very intelligent guy who is prone to demagoguery. I would like to see more of the former and a lot less of the latter tonight.
Marco Rubio — The kids like him, his ads are good, and he’s “adorable” in the words of more than one female friend. However, he’s stuck at the 5-6% mark in the polls. What he needs to be is both the anti-Bush and the anti-Trump. He has a chance to paint a positive but bold vision for America with his “New American Century” slogan. He needs to do it before he becomes the guy everyone likes, but no one actually votes for.
Mike Huckabee — The only thing I’m even remotely interested in hearing from this has been hillbilly is the exact same phrase I want to hear from Donald Trump.
Rand Paul — Stop the presses, Rand Paul’s campaign has actually stopped sucking recently. In the first competent move by the campaign in months, they’re running ads during the debate in early states. He’s also gaining slightly in the state and national polls. However, those ads won’t matter if he has another performance like the last debate. Paul needs to outline his positive conservatarian vision for the country.
Carly Fiorina — Okay Carly, you’re on the big stage. Time to prove you can hack it. She needs to be the non-politician who is actually interested in governing the country. If she does that, she’ll keep earning her spot on the main stage.
Scott Walker — Walker is another one who cannot afford a debate performance like the last one. He needs to justify why he’s even still in the race for starters. Secondly, he needs to prove that he can do more than just bash unions. He has been the biggest disappointment so far out of all the candidates and that’s including the subpar performances of Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, and Rand Paul.
John Kasich — He needs to find a way to expand his appeal beyond the New York Times editorial board.
Chris Christie — I want to some more Jersey out of him tonight. He needs to go on the attack, especially against Trump and Carson. This is why Republicans liked Christie at first. He also has nothing to lose.
So here’s what I would like to see from tonight’s debate. What would you like to see and hear from the candidates?